Our Bonus Baby

Memorial Day 2017.  We were at the beach.  The kids were playing in the sand and we just sat back.  We had our eyes on them, but they were old enough to play safely on their own and we were enjoying our adult conversation free from interruptions.  They were 8, 6, and nearly 4 years old and as the sand and waves kept their attention, our conversation slipped into the “should we have another baby” realm.  My husband was all in favor of more babies.  But I was tired.  Three kids is a lot, and right between kiddo number 2 and 3, we had an all-consuming, never-takes-a-break diagnosis of type one diabetes added to our plate.  I often referred to t1d as my 4th child.  I worried about t1d, had to think ahead and plan for what it would need, packed for it when we traveled, lost sleep over it…kind of like another child, right?  Between the kids and the disease, and the fact that we had arrived at this sweet place where our kids could safely play on the shore without us hovering, I was in favor of putting the “baby” discussion to rest for good.  And the more we talked about how nice it was to go to restaurants again, to be done with diapers, and to not have to push a stroller anymore, the more he realized I was probably right.  We decided to put the topic to rest forever and really enjoy this stage of parenthood with our increasingly independent children, and not look back.

A month and a half later I was staring at a positive pregnancy test in complete disbelief.  In fact, I could say that I spent my entire pregnancy in a state of disbelief.  I couldn’t believe we were shopping for a crib again.  That we were going back to diapers and baby spoons and strollers.  I couldn’t imagine having not three, but four kiddos in the back of my van.  I couldn’t believe this was happening!  And honestly, even as I watched my belly grow and even as I helped to transform our home office into a nursery, I still didn’t really believe it.  In fact, right before I met this fourth baby of mine, I looked up at my doctor and said it one more time, “I still can’t believe this is happening!”  She laughed and said, “Oh honey, it’s happening!”  And then in a matter of minutes, I was face to face with this.

It really happened!  We took the baby conversation off the table and God picked it up and placed it right back in our laps and then He made a place for him right in our hearts.  Grayson Paul.  Our bonus baby.  The one we didn’t plan on.  The one we weren’t expecting.  The one that God knew we needed.

He was here and rediscovering the newborn stage was pretty magical.  This time around, I didn’t have a two-year-old.  There were no other diapers to change, just his.

His newborn cries pulled me out of my disbelief and into a space where I could embrace this new chapter in my story.  His story.

We soaked him up.  All five of us, in awe of all of him.  His wispy hair.

His tiny wrinkly hands.

His feet.  Oh, is there anything sweeter than tiny baby feet?

The peach fuzz on his cheeks, ears, shoulders.

And we’ve been soaking him up for six whole months now! Six of the craziest, busiest, sweetest months of my entire life.

Because he’s here.  Our bonus baby.  And now our family is complete.  (for real this time!)