The Joy Before Me

A good friend of mine recently asked me to share part of my story in front of a large group of women.  I thought she was crazy…I’m more of a write-it-out-and-let-others-read-it kind of storyteller, not so much a stand-in-front-of-a-crowd-with-a-microphone kind of storyteller!  But she assured me that she was not crazy, and that the theme of the evening would be “The Weary World Rejoices.”  Well once I heard that, I understood why she thought to ask me.  Because my story fits that theme quite perfectly.

But doesn’t that theme fit all of our lives perfectly?  We are all weary.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  Work, finances, relationships, illness, brokenness, loss.  If not today, then at some point, right?  But the theme is, The Weary World REJOICES.  How can we rejoice when we are weary?  I’m hoping that what I shared that evening on that stage was able to help answer that question.

On August 9^th, 2013… just three months after diabetes joined our family, we welcomed our third child, Lucas Jack, into the world.  He was perfect.  Beautiful.  A breath of fresh air at just the right time.  After months of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and angry, we needed something of pure joy and God delivered this sweet baby boy to soothe our aching hearts.  The blessing of new life and its perfect timing was not lost on me.  However, the days and weeks that followed his birth would be my most desperate times as a mother. 

Tonight I was asked to describe a time when I was weary.  This was it, hands down, the most overwhelming and exhausting time in my life.  First and foremost, I was physically drained…not ever getting enough sleep.  I was still setting an alarm to check Mackenna’s blood sugar once or twice each night, and now I was getting up to feed a newborn.  On the good nights, the blood sugar checks lined up with Lucas’s feeding schedule, but there were some nights when I saw every hour on my clock.  And let’s not forget about our other little guy.  Caleb was 2 ½ and not too thrilled about a new baby in the family.  His acting out added a new layer of complexity to my days as a stay at home mom.  Between checking blood sugars, counting carbs, nursing a newborn, and changing two sets of diapers, most days I didn’t eat or drink anything until the afternoon, all after hardly sleeping the night before.  Weary?  Yes, I was in a constant state of weariness.

And it wasn’t all physical.  Emotionally, I was dealing with some big questions.  Why did God choose to let Mackenna have diabetes?  Why would He do that to her?  I struggled with self-doubt.  Does God actually think I can handle all of this?  Three kids under the age of five, plus diabetes?  And I dealt with some jealousy…I was envious of basically anybody who got any semblance of a full night’s sleep.  Jealous of moms who seemed to have it all together.  Jealous of families who weren’t carrying around insulin, syringes, and emergency glucose.  I cried.  A lot.  Cried because I hated diabetes.  Cried because I didn’t think I could be a good enough mom for these three little ones.  Cried because it all just felt like too much.  I was completely overwhelmed by my life. 

It was really hard for me to be positive about anything during that time.  I especially had a hard time singing worship songs at church because for the first time in my life, my present reality seemed to conflict with the Truths I knew in my heart about God’s character.  Songs about God’s goodness and His healing power and His love for us…in my heart, I still believed it all, but my head was struggling to understand how that could be true alongside the fact that my child was living with an incurable disease.

I specifically remember one Sunday we were singing a song called The Great I Am and there’s a part when the phrase just repeats for a while, The Great I Am, Great I Am.  Tears ran down my cheeks and I could not get my mouth to form the words to sing it, but my heart seemed to be hearing a bit of a different song anyway.  My heart was hearing “I AM bigger than your circumstances.  I AM greater than your challenges.  I AM enough when you are running on empty. I AM enough when you have nothing left. I AM enough when you are overwhelmed. I AM bigger than diabetes. I AM bigger than your stress. I AM bigger than your doubts. I AM bigger than your shortcomings. I AM bigger. I AM enough.” 

And at that moment, I started to realize that this overwhelming life of mine, was not really about me.  It’s His story.  It’s not a story about my troubles, or my daughter’s diagnosis.  It’s a story about His faithfulness and His mercy.  A story about how He held me those nights in the hospital room when I couldn’t sleep…He was there, catching my tears.  It’s a story about how He prompted me to take her to the clinic and have her diagnosed before it was too late…A merciful story about a little girl’s life spared.  It’s not a story about an exhausted mother who doesn’t feel strong enough to navigate the waters around her.  It’s a story about a God who cares for me deeply, who knows my every need and has the power to meet each one.  A God who wants to take my burdens and give me rest.  He knows that I can’t navigate the storm alone and He has offered me His hand at every challenging wave.  

Being a part of God’s story calls for rejoicing.  Rejoicing in the truth that we are not alone, that He is always with us.  Rejoicing in the truth that when we are weak, He is strong.  And while we don’t know what happens in the next chapters, and we may not get much of a say in what trials come our way…The truth is that we know the story has a happy ending…because He said it will…and that’s why I rejoice.

The “Thrill of Hope”, Jesus, is the reason why our weary souls can rejoice.  He is why a weary world can rejoice!  Because “yonder breaks a new and glorious morn” when we can meet Him face to face and He will wipe our weariness away forever!

Are you rejoicing this Christmas season?  I know you are weary.  He knows you are weary.  But our weariness is temporary.  Rejoice in the truth that He came to us once as a meek and helpless baby, and that He will return to us in His full glory and power and majesty!